This article appears in the October 2008 Edition of the Lehigh Patriot.
www.lehighpatriot.com
Sometimes, convincing someone to cast their vote for you is quite challenging. I learned this in those intense middle school elections of simpler days now long past. If it weren’t for Sarah and her seemingly endless supply of Jolly Rancher lollipops things might be different. Those grape ones were so tasty! As I quickly learned, elections can be tricky business if you don’t have the required political or sugar capital.
Politicians have learned this too. Unlike myself though, they had sneaky solutions to the bombardment of proverbial Jolly Ranchers that they faced. Candy didn’t taste as good when it came from a pedophile, or a pervert, or a womanizer. This was the good old politics of the past. Today, due to those pesky reporters, mudslinging must at least have some basis in fact. Nonetheless, some of today’s “leaked” stories can carry just as much bite as the politics of old.
Now you may not have many more elections ahead of you, but certainly you will be fighting for a wife or a husband, a job, a promotion, an apartment, or really anything else. And when you know you can’t beat your opponent based on your own merits, your best bet is to learn from the politicians. Here are the five lessons you can take to heart when considering how to defeat your opponent, tried and tested by politicians of every political party:
- Your opponent has broken every one of the Ten Commandments.
Now-a-days, this attack probably wouldn’t even matter to the public. Other than number six, breaking the other nine commandments is basically cool. Stealing, adultery, false witness, coveting your neighbor’s spouse, and not keeping the Sabbath holy are all fairly common. But back in 1844 this was serious. James Polk’s campaign told voters that Henry Clay had indeed “broken everyone of the Ten Commandments,” and that “his debaucheries… [are] too disgusting to appear in public print.” Nevertheless, Clay still won 48 percent of the popular vote. The lesson: this probably isn’t the best way to attack your opponent – today this could be a net positive.
- Your opponent is a pimp, or his mother is a prostitute.
These two attacks are obviously radically different, though a combination of the two would be rather disgusting. I digress. These political punches were actually counters to each other during the lovely campaign of 1828 between Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams. Jackson supporters accused Adams of “providing entertainment” for Russian Czar Alexander I, and later Adams supporters called Jackson’s mother “a common prostitute.” Jackson ended up winning 56 percent of the popular vote. The lesson: It’s better to be the son of a prostitute than to be a pimp.
- Your opponent is a coward.
Franklin Pierce was a general during the Mexican-American war. Being from New Hampshire, he wasn’t used to the heat, and he collapsed from heat prostration during a battle. When it came time to run for President, Franklin Pierce was named “the Fainting General” by opponents. Even with that stigma on his name, he still won all but four states. Americans have since learned not to tolerate military cowardice, and did not elect John Kerry in 2004 after his bravery in the military was questioned by some of his fellow swift-boat veterans. The lesson: if you are going to join the U.S. armed forces, show no fear.
- Your opponent is just ugly.
As could be expected in the turbulent years leading up to the Civil War, the North-South divide caused some heated discussion. As a Northerner, Abraham Lincoln wasn’t a favorite politician in the South. In fact, he won a majority of the electoral college without even being on the ballot in many southern states. It’s easy to understand why: according to the Houston Telegraph, he was the “most ungainly mass of legs and arms and hatchet face ever strung on a single frame”. The lesson: let your opponent’s ugliness work on its own, pointing it out won’t help you much.
- Your opponent has an illegitimate child.
This rumor, about Senator McCain, was brought up during the Bush-McCain primaries in 2000. McCain’s daughter Bridget was actually adopted from an orphanage in Bangladesh by McCain and his wife Cindy. But by anonymous polling, the Bush campaign suggested that McCain was Bridget’s biological father. Bush then went on to win the Republican primary. Thankfully in the general election, Bush didn’t need such smear tactics: they just hid a couple thousand ballots from Floridians and then paid off the Supreme Court. The lesson: smear tactics are great, but bribes and sneaky cheating can be just as effective.
Sources:
“A Historical Perspective on Presidential Campaigns”. Dr. Ken Stevens, 2003. http://www.his.tcu.edu/Frog&Globe/SiteArchives/Stevens-Elections.htm
(Quotes used for examples of mudslinging 1-4 were from this document)
“The Anatomy of a Smear Campaign”. Richard Davis. The Boston Globe, March 21st, 2004. http://www.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2004/03/21/the_anatomy_of_a_smear_campaign/
(Information on example of mudslinging 5 were from this article)
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