Thank You, Barack

By Benjamin Mumma
Originally Published: August 4th, 2008

I just wanted to say that you have changed my life. No brother, this isn’t sarcasm. This is real. I know I’ve dissed you in the past, but give me a chance. I’ve changed, and it’s all because of the hope that you inspired within me.

There I was, just some kid, working hard in school, setting high goals for myself, trying to succeed and be happy. All I saw was the long, tough, and uphill road against me. It was hopeless. What could I do against such odds? Everyone was out to get me – the corporations, the rich, the outsourcers, the speculators, the planet warmers. Then I saw you, Barack. You had fought against not just all that, but all the white men who sought to bring you down, and Hillary Clinton. You gave me hope.

But before long I realized that I am nowhere near as good as you are. I’m not as handsome, articulate, athletic, intelligent, or as God-damn America(n) as you. Seeing you was the first time that I just knew that I could not succeed in life. How could I, when there are people as great as you out there, and with everyone else out to get me. I just knew I couldn’t win.

So I gave up. It was hard, my life had no hope. I needed something – anything – to change. It was at that time that your words gave me hope that change was coming, and my path became brilliantly clear – like solar powered light bulbs were lighting the way through the night. It was a poetic moment in time.

Your words made it clear why I must vote for you. Since I now know that I will never amount to anything, I have to put my fate into your hands. It’s the only way. You’ll take down those bullying corporations, and rich people, and everyone else. You’ll take them down – you said so Barack. Then you’ll give rewards back to me. Now I won’t even have to worry about succeeding. I won’t have to work for health care – you’ll give it to me, just like you’ll give it to the illegal immigrants. All my social security will be in the government’s hands, where I know it’ll be safe. When I want to buy a house, I’ll just take out a loan I can’t afford to pay, then when the bank has to foreclose, you’ll just bail me out. You’ll be so great and powerful that when I sweat, you’ll even stop the planet from warming.

Barack, you’ve made my path clear. Ambition and goals are for fools, I realize that now. All I need to do to be happy in life is vote for you. Doing that will let you take care of everything for me. You were the change that I needed. I don’t have to work so hard anymore – I don’t have to succeed. Success makes you rich. Rich makes you evil. You taught me that, Barack, and that’s not the path I want to go on.

You’ve changed my life Barack. On behalf of myself, and the millions of others who have come to this enlightened conclusion, I just want to say one thing. Thank You, Barack. You were the change that I hoped for. Life’s not supposed to be tough. Your inspirational effect on me has made me a changed man. Voting for you will be a pleasure – no – an honor. For this is the dawning of a new era in my life, and in the life of this country. Thank you, Barack.